Worth It

Though I have become, over the years, a zealot when it comes to home schooling, occasionally I have to confess a challenging aspect or two. The challenge of the moment for me is certainly not unique to home schoolers. It is the question of finding self worth.

Ever one of the brainy girls during my public school days, I struggled socially for most of my formative years. My validation came in the form of grades and praise from teachers. I became quite addicted to it and was very competitive--not a trait that helped in the social department, incidentally. This pattern continued into college to some extent, though I did make an effort to curb the competitive side. And so it can be particularly difficult for me to now be in a position of having to determine my own worth from within the confines of my lifestyle. My children certainly aren't heaping me with praise on a daily basis. To be fair, they do sometimes say very nice things, but mainly my efforts are met with complaints, sighs, and often negative attitudes. My husband is extremely supportive and encouraging, and will lavish me with accolades at the slightest hint. Unfortunately, it is too easy for me to dismiss his opinions on the matter. After all, he is contractually obligated to love me, making him not the most objective judge of my performance.

I applied for a job a couple of weeks ago. It was a teaching position with an online school. I don't think I really wanted it, so much as I was giving in to that old craving for external kudos. When I was informed that I lacked the qualifications to even warrant an interview, I started to spiral into a feeling of having no value or merit. I have taken the past week to do a little soul-searching and I have realized that it is simply time to change the tools with which I take my personal measurements. If I want to have that feeling of self worth, than I must value what I do. It's not up to the world to do that for me anymore.

How fitting to be deep in these thoughts during Mother's Day. What a common plight for women to worry over what the world thinks of us, especially when we choose to stay home with our children rather than pursue careers. We so readily buy into the notion that work for pay is the only work of real value. We dwell on what we have "given up" to be full time mothers and forget that motherhood is the ultimate promotion and we deserve to wear the role as proudly as any academic credentials or job title.

Gratitude

Years ago, I read a book called The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. It's a fantastic book and I highly recommend it to anyone, which is not something I readily do when it comes to tales of the Holocaust. But this book was, for me, so much more than a story of oppression and suffering, though it is full of both. More than that, it was a lesson in humility and gratitude. The way Corrie and her sister were able to endure so well was a clear result of their decision to choose an attitude that would seem impossible in such dire circumstances. They constantly searched each situation for God's hand and always came away with something to feel grateful for. It was not easy for them, but they succeeded because they were so determined in the effort. At one point in the book, they decided to be grateful for the fleas that tormented them in the barracks of the concentration camp, because the presence of the fleas kept the guards out. With the guards keeping this distance, they were free to hold Bible studies with their fellow prisoners, a practice that brought all of them great comfort and a sense of purpose.

It is so easy to feel frustrated with the many little inconveniences or difficulties of our lives day to day, but when we make a decision to look for a source of gratitude, we can bring a swift halt not only to our grumblings, but to all our negative feelings. Sometimes those negative feelings seem so powerful and overwhelming, yet a simple step in the direction of feeling thankful for something--no matter how small--can melt them away so quickly. It really is true that you just can't hold on to both feelings at once. So, with that in mind, here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. fatigue
2. a messy house
3. sore feet
4. sunburn
5. many unfinished projects
6. a big grocery bill
7. too much laundry to do
8. finding sticky spots on my just-mopped kitchen floor
9. not having enough down time
10. spending all day shopping and not getting anything for myself

These are the trappings of motherhood. How can I be truly grateful for my children if I do not allow myself to approach all these things with a wink and a nod? There are many women out there who would gladly endure much more than this for the blessings of being surrounded by the glorious, messy, chaotic joy that only children can bring. So bring it on. There will come a time all too soon when that list will shrink, and I will have to find new things to be grateful for.